Welcome to the first ever #gp32dev crap games compo, the only competition dedicated to bringing more crap to the gp32 than ever before!

For those of you unfamiliar with crap games competitions, check out the crap games webring for the best worst of what the speccy and c64 competitions have to offer.

03/09/05 - Apologies for being even more crap than the compo and not uploading entries for months (real life became quite time consuming). 10 more examples of pure crap have finally been uploaded and reviewed. If you've sent me something and you don't see it here then I've either not received it or it's got lost somewhere, so please sent it through again.

Rules

1. As the name suggests, only games can be entered and they must be crap.
2. You don't have to be a coder to enter - mods for Doom/Quake/Bor etc. are all acceptable, as are zot/gigas/vns etc. creations. The only restriction is the game must run on gp32 hardware, but not through an emulator (you can't enter a speccy game and tell us to run it through fZX32 - that would just be silly).
3. You can't enter something that has previously been released. If you thought it was good enough to release then it obviously shouldn't be in a crap game compo.
4. Enter as many times as you can be bothered.
5. If you can, try and send a screenshot (entries will be available to download here as soon as they arrive we get round to it, so the less we have to do the quicker they will be available).
6. The compo will end when it looks like we're not going to get any more entries, but there's no need to rush - you'll have a couple of months at least.
7. Judges can enter too. It's our competition and we can do what we like.
8. These rules could change at any time.

Prizes

First prize is the smug satisfaction of knowing that you're more crap than anyone else. The runners up prizes are the humiliation of failing miserably at being crap.

Entries
Send your games to gp32devcgc2005@sector808.org. Don't forget to put your forum/irc name so we all know who to laugh at.

In this, the first ever #gp32devcgc2005 entry, Taras has accurately recreated that classic game 'stare at the bbc test card' as enjoyed by millions of Britains over the years.

Only he hasn't, as staring at the test card was never a game (at least not where I come from). It is in fact just a feeble attempt to con people into thinking they are playing a game by supplying instructions that say 'the object is to stare at the testcard'. Pathetic. It's not even accurate - where's the music? I'm sorry, but a little beep at the start just isn't good enough.

Oh, and the icon just scares me.

I should first point out that this is a fenix game, and so you will need the fenix runtime installing in gpsys (it very cleverly hasn't been included). I should also point out that the fxe name has no relation to the game which makes finding it on a full unsorted smc a tricky problem (quite a nice touch I thought).

As you can see from the screenshot, the graphics aren't the best ever seen on the gp32 which means it's off to a flying start. It does however mean that I'm not too sure what the game is about. I'm guessing that the triangle things are space ships, which must mean that the white fluffy stuff are stars (much more stars than are normally visible in our night sky so it's probably set in a galaxy far, far away). I don't have a clue what the big red nose is doing there though.

The gameplay consists of moving the green thing left and right and shooting some strange orange stuff out the front. There's no real point in doing that though because there's no score and you can't be killed. Complete crap.

At first glance this might appear to be far to good for a crap game compo, and in many ways it is. The music is great, graphics are fantastic, and the random insults to anyone and everyone in the scene are a very nice touch. But then we come to the 'game'. The instructions seem to say something about creating chains of dice (whatever that means), but either I'm very skilled, very lucky, or everything is completely random and you can't lose. I'm guessing the latter.

Now this one certainly looks the part. The idea seems to be to move the H (human?) and avoid the W's (walls?). The W's need to be avoided because although it looks very much like a rogue like game the walls don't just stop you but they kill you. Or at least I think they do. Which means getting to the next room (I think there's only 2) is very difficult due to the pixel perfect collision detection. And there's no baddies. Or treasure.

Here we have a perfect example of how some people just can't create crap even when they try. Far too good to be in this compo, mainly due to the inclusion of advanced features such as score, powerups, and sound effects.

In this game you play a badly drawn sprite with a large head and the idea is to run away from Mr Jones (another badly drawn sprite with an even bigger head). Running away from Mr Jones isn't particularly difficult due to the fact that Mr Jones can run at the same speed as you, so most of the time you can be in for a very long game (until you get bored). Why the baddie has a name but the goodie doesn't isn't explained. It's also not exactly clear why you must run away from Mr Jones either. Maybe you've upset him in some way? Maybe Mr Jones has a thing for people with large square heads? I guess we'll never know.

The image says it all really. Graphically this is about the best looking screen in the whole game, but I wouldn't advise looking at it for too long due to the mad flashing effect. Although this is complete and utter crap, it's suprisingly fun to play :).

This is scary. Very scary. Just press and hold select and you'll see why. I'm not sure if this is crap or just plain disturbing.

Well this is certainly very... colourful. I'm not entirely sure there's a game here but I could be wrong. A makes the erm, stuff move faster and B makes it go slower.

Have a quick glance at this opening screen and you may believe you're in for a hack and slash adventure treat involving a dungeon, monsters, and big swords. Actually you'd almost be right - there is a dungeon (complete with lots of invisible walls), your character has a big sword (although he doesn't do much hacking or slashing with it), but unfortunatly there are no monsters. Or treasure. In fact there's very little evidence of a temple.

The source code for this masterpiece can be found here.

This VNS creation is the best thing I've played for years, which unfortunatly means it stands no chance of winning this compo. Excuse me, I've got to go and see what happens if I go with Alan to Camden Yards...

I must admit I've never been a big fan of pong, so when I had the chance to try this single player version I almost didn't bother. I wish I hadn't. Crap.

I would have taken a better screenshot than the opening screen but for some reason it wouldn't get any further than this on geepee. But then the rest of the game doesn't look much more interesting because this is a remake of the classic simon game (you know, the one with the 4 flashing lights). Just like the original you must recreate the pattern of lights and sounds by pressing the buttons in the correct order. It may keep a 5 year old interested for a few minutes, but I'm 28 and I can only cope with the high paced action for a few seconds.

Nobody will ever beat Mr. T. Not even SNK, that's one of the reasons why this game sucks so hard. I ain't getting (on) this game, because all you can do is to move around some strange shape. Oh. and you can change the shape. But it sounds more interesting than it is. Ouch.

Misled by the screenshot, I thought this game might be fun. Oh my god, forgive me, for I was wrong. All you have to do is run. No enemies, no obstacles, NOTHING! The player muppet doesn't even turn around when walking left, he just walks BACKWARDS. This is so freakin' hilarious, I really need to spend some weeks in a psychiatric clinic, THANKS :/

Finally a game that makes sense! You have to destroy enemy... tetris blocks while controlling your... tetris block. There's some weird number on the bottom left that seems to be your energy and some other weird number on the bottom right that... I don't know, honestly. A lot of graphical glitches, a frame rate of 1 frame per hour when having lots of... tetris blocks on screen and the fact that your suffering doesn't stop when the energy level reaches 0 (no, it even counts negative values) makes this game crapalicious. I lost my faith in mankind.

I can see the man, I can see him wink, but I fail to see the game. I like the instructions though - 'start to play, turn off to exit'. None of this 'press some button by accident to exit' rubbish that a lot of the entries seem to have.

Another guess the number game, but this time it's 2 player (vs gp32). The idea is to be the closest to the number in just one guess. Thrilling. Things get a little tense as the gp32 makes it's guess... but only a little.

This has got to be one of the most colourful games of pong I've ever played. Problem is I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Real two player pong (unlike the crap entered earlier), but the fact that you don't have to move much and there is no scoring just means that two people get bored instead of one.

Right, it seems that some bloke with a big moustache isn't too keen on pigeons so he throws sticks at them, whilst listening to some of the most appaling music I've even heard in a computer game. You only have to put up with the music for a short while though because a) you die very quickly, and b) once you're dead all you can do is exit (once you find the right button).

Etch-a-sketch for the gp32 (I assume telecran means etch-a-sketch in some language). Draw straight lines, then clear them and draw some more. Has a very nice touch where the L and R buttons gradually clear the screen, just like the real thing. And also like the real thing, it's as boring as hell.

Now this is an entry I was really looking forward to see. Toxicbreakfast are famous for such crap as GpKat and Tubby Toast, and they've not let us down with their latest offering. Pathetic graphics, virtually no gameplay, and quite possibly the greatest thing ever to be seen on a gp32! Unfortunatly has very little chance of winning because crap games shouldn't have any replay value at all, and this is one game you'll want to complete again and again.